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Four Agreements

I saw a copy of the following "life insights" on a friend's fridge and I just love these rules and will definitely be reading the book. These are from The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz:

1. Be impeccable with your word (speak with integrity, say only what you mean)
2. Don't take anything personally (nothing others do is because of you)

3. Don't make assumptions (find the courage to ask questions and express what you really want)

4. Always do your best (and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse and regret)

In this ever-uncertain world, all we can do is our best. If we truly practice all four of these agreements, happiness is inevitable. From this day forward, I shall practice each of these mantras. I choose happiness.

To All the Boys I've Loved Before

To Whom It May Concern:

You know who you are. Thank you for your role in my life, you've been pivotal in my growth as an individual as well as a woman. It's time for you to go now. I wish you all the best in life, and I truly want you all to be happy in whatever you do and wherever you end up. Please do right by me and move right along, because you know I won't be able to tell you myself. Thank you for understanding.

Borrowed from my good friend John Legend:

"And I hope one day you'll see nobody has it easy,
I still can't believe you found somebody new
But I wish you the best, I guess.
'Cause everybody knows, that nobody really knows
How to make it work, or how to ease the hurt"

Whether "somebody new" is literal or figurative, make "somebody new" more of a priority than you made me.

For those that were scared of opening up - quit being a chickenshit. It's unattractive.

For those who couldn't tell me they cared about me out of fear of having to commit- grow an F-ing backbone. You knew I would find out. You'll have to stop running from it eventually. You're not getting any younger. You're gonna have to grow up someday. Guess who won't be there when that day arrives?

For those that hurt my feelings, but didn't care - I hope you get a conscience.

For those that hurt my feelings and felt bad about it - shame on you for not getting it right after the first time and shame on me for letting it continue.

You know I would like to tell you to go F yourself, but I just don't have it in me. So please. I beg you. Let me be me. Let me be happy.


Love,

Katie



Dear Self,

Don't look back.

Love,

Me.

Who Doesn't Love Self-Promotion?

Call me a follower, I'm jumping on the bandwagon. 25 random things about me:

1. I love peanut butter, pickles, cookie dough and strange food combinations that only pregnant women would appreciate. And I've never been pregnant.

2. Number 2 is actually borrowed from Janelle's list because I couldn't say it any better myself, and I swear she must have been talking about me when she wrote it. "I am not a morning person. I am also not a night person. My prime time is from about 11am to 4 pm; however, once I start getting hungry I get cranky, so forget about from 11:30 to 12:30 or so also, and then I always get the 2 O’clock fade, so I am useless for about 30 minutes around then. Basically I have about one hour of maximum productivity and pleasantness a day."

3. I love kids. I love teaching them, I love being around them, I love learning from them. I have a special place in my heart for children's issues and education...For this reason, I will probably be a lifelong Democrat. (And I don't even mind working hard, nor do I want your handouts! Go fig!)

4. Nobody in this world can make me laugh like Jonathan can. There's also nobody in this world that has the capacity to make me feel needed and loved like he can. No one.

5. I have become obsessed with all things social media - Blogs, Twitter, Facebook, even Myspace. I've learned to use it to enhance my life rather than get caught up in it and stop actually LIVING life.

6. I want to write a book someday. I don't know when, what it will be about or even whether it will be fiction or nonfiction, I just know that I want to write it.

6b. Run-on sentences, lack of basic grammar skills, and repetitive misspellings make me want to scream.

7. I love sports and wish I had Jillian Barberie's job. I secretly wish I were a female sportscaster. I'm a huge Cubs & Diamondbacks fan - I love baseball. Just like my Grandpa, I'm always torn when the Cubbies come to town. I'm also a Suns fan, but my Mom happens to be the biggest Suns fan I know. I also root for the Cardinals, although that hasn't been cool to do until this year.

8. One of my favorite places in the world is any ballpark. I used to work at BOB and I got chills every time I walked in the door. I love the smell, the sounds, the lights, the grass, the dirt, the people - all of it. I love it when it's loud and filled with mobs of people as much as when it's quiet and there's not a soul in sight.

9. Spring is my favorite season - spring training, the beautiful weather, the new spring flowers and the seemingly fresh sun. Makes my heart happy.

10. 90210, One Tree Hill, Dawson's Creek, Party of Five, Felicity, and Gilmore Girls have all been favorites of mine. They all fall under the "If I'm watching _______, don't talk to me or you'll get your ass handed to you" category.

11. Venti Quad Nonfat Cinnamon Dolce Lattes, No whip and Venti Iced Unsweetened Green Teas are my Starbucks staples. The coffee is an indulgence and not as frequent a treat as I'm sure I'd like to allow, but the green tea has become a regular since I stopped drinking soda. I often brew it at home to save money. (Side note: I've also cheated on the soda thing a few times this month, and that really disappoints me.)

12. I love traveling, but don't get to as often as I'd like. I'm currently planning a getaway with Melissa in the next year.

13. I drove all the way to LA after work one day to spend the night and get my passport the next morning. My birthday was wrong on the first passport they sent me. It ended up being quite the adventure and growth experience. After much hotel and passport related trauma, I was able to enjoy an afternoon in Beverly Hills, walked up and down Rodeo, and even had a dinner invitation before being stuck for 5 hours on an LA freeway in rush hour traffic on my way home.

14. I always hope to do great things in this life and be some amazing career woman, but I fear I don't have the strengths and capabilities to do so.

15. I want to be a mom and a wife. Preferably not in that order.

16. I could easily become a hermit, but not in a good way, and it wouldn't be pretty.

17. I am an emotional person and I HATE this trait.

18. I love food. Comfort, gourmet, fried, low-calorie and otherwise. I love it all. I love to cook it, I love to eat it, I love to talk about it.

19. Melissa calls me her own personal "Ahwatukee On-Star". I love the 'tuke. I will most likely move back some day.

20. I am prone to anxiety & depression. I admittedly think sometimes that I am OK not on meds, but the world is a better place when I am.

21. I've been "in love" once, but my heart has been broken several times.

22. I love my friends as though they're my family and I'm not sure where I'd be without them. I also think said friends are some of the most talented, funny, and dynamic people I know. If there's one thing I've mastered in this life, it's how to surround myself with amazingly talented people, each in their own right. I know that some of said friends don't always understand why I care so much about them, but I hope that they understand their value & importance as individuals and how they've helped me on my journey.

23. I'm an only child but my Mom is the oldest of 8, so there was never an absence of family when I was growing up.

24. I miss my Dad every day. As I get older I realize that I'm not really sure how he would fit into my life as an adult, but I wish him well and hope the best for him.

25. My Grandpa is my hero, but my Mom is one of the most amazing women I've ever met. We've had our differences and we still have our moments, but I certainly wouldn't be half the person I am without being shaped with her direction. For that, I owe her my life. I hope to keep the disappointments to a minimum.

Is the word HERO cliche?

Because my Grandpa was mine. I miss him more than I ever thought possible. He passed away on New Year's Eve as peacefully as it could have happened. We had the Rosary and Funeral Mass a couple of weeks ago and his interment was on Friday. I suppose the finality of it all really started to hit me. I spoke at the Rosary, and although some of my family members have requested a copy of what I wrote and read, I haven't been able to type it up until today. There was something about what I wrote that is so very personal and close to my heart that I didn't want anyone else to read it... then I thought, "how stupid am I? I read it to at least a hundred people." So in hopes of helping to honor my Grandfather with a tribute of sorts, I'm posting what I read here. I knew nothing about grief until the past couple of weeks, and grieve I must do - but I also must heal. So please know that these words encompass only a portion of how lucky I feel to have known my Grandpa and how honored I feel to be part of his bloodline. I apologize if it's long - I'm not sure how else to post it.

Grandpa Bob…

He was and will always be my favorite Grandpa. He may have had somewhat of an advantage because he was my ONLY Grandpa, but nonetheless, he was still my favorite. I have been blessed to have many wonderful memories of my Grandpa.

Spending time with my grandparents was always one of my favorite things to do. When I was young, I loved visiting their house because it was always filled with family. There was always such a warm and safe feeling there. I loved spending the night. When my cousins were there too, we’d sleep in the room next to theirs (and usually stay up late watching movies…) – but when it was just me, they’d let me sleep on the floor next to their bed. I’m sure that wasn’t Grandpa’s favorite idea, but he always kissed grandma good night and said, “Good night Honey, I love you” and I would respond in my own young, smart aleck way, “Love you TOO, Grandpa!” And he’d say, “Oh yeah, you too.”

When I was in college, I’d often come into town and stop at their house first. (1. To check what was in the fridge & pantry – I had to see what I was missing while I was away. And 2. To make sure I helped Grandpa win a hand of solitaire – because I know how much he LOVED help!) I’d sit at the kitchen table, they’d ask me questions about college…I’d eat. And then, without fail, Grandpa would ask me… “You goin to church up there? Do you go to all of your classes? You & Robert stayin out of trouble?” Then, just as I’d be leaving, he’d throw in, “you got a boyfriend?” In fact, I know that right know, he’s up there thinking, “well? Do ya?” No Gramps, I don’t – but I assure you, you’ll be the first to know.

That’s the thing about Grandpa. He wanted us all to be happy. He wanted each of us to feel loved. Especially Grandma… He was an amazing example of what a husband should be. I told him once that he makes it hard for a girl to date because we have such a great example of what a man should be as a husband, father, grandfather, friend, and all around MAN. It’s a lot to live up to.

There are many things in this life that remind us of Grandpa: bowls of cereal (man ate a LOT of cereal!), glass jars of Planters Peanuts, cashews, hankies, decks of cards, Manhattans, ‘icky tea’ (because he hated it SO much), glasses of water – NO ICE, napkins strewn about with stir spoons and empty packets of equal on them, episodes of MASH, JAG, Walker Texas Ranger, Matlock, Murder She Wrote, or any show on TV Land at an absurdly loud volume and his ability to be sleeping through the show but the minute you change the channel, he’d wake up and say, “hey! I was watching that!” Cubbies games, Dbacks games, Suns games, Cardinals games, St. Patrick’s day – the list goes on.

I’ve learned a lot over the years from my Grandpa – how to drive (my Dad passed this responsibility to him after I bottomed out his Blazer in the school parking lot and got the tires stuck between two parking blocks the day he took Megan & I out for a lesson.. Woops.), how to be strong, how to love unconditionally, how to love romantically, how to forgive, how to listen, how to be patient, and most important – he taught me to look out for boys that were uptown shopping for downtown merchandise. And I’m embarrassed to admit that it took me several years to figure out he wasn’t referring to Uptown Plaza and the Arizona Center…

He also taught me that it’s ok to be sad for awhile. One Sunday afternoon a few years ago when my Grandma first became very sick and was in Freedom Plaza, I had taken my Grandpa to see her. It was a particularly difficult day. She was very upset, agitated, and didn’t remember either of our names. She recognized our faces but didn’t really want to visit. So Grandpa declared that it was time to go and we rode home in silence. We got back to the house, he went to his chair and picked up a book while I made dinner. As we sat down to eat dinner that night, he was fixing up his coffee just the way he likes and suddenly stopped. I looked over at him, saw his face, and a tear rolled down his cheek. That was the first and only time I saw my Grandpa cry. I asked if he was ok and he responded, “I just miss her.”

Later on, I picked up the little book he had been reading and found this poem. I don’t know that this is what he was reading that day, but I know that he lived by this poem – long before it was ever written. He wasn’t perfect, but he sure tried hard.

The poem is called “Each Day” by Max Lucado:

It’s quiet. It’s early. My coffee is hot. The sky is still black. The world is still asleep. The day is coming. In a few moments, the day will arrive. It will roar down the track with the rising of the sun. The stillness of the dawn will be exchanged for the noise of the day. The calm of solitude will be replaced by the pounding pace of the human race. The refuge of the early morning will be invaded by decisions to be made and deadlines to be met. For the next twelve hours I will be exposed to the day’s demands. It is now that I must make a choice. Because of Calvary, I’m free to choose. And so I choose.

I CHOOSE LOVE…
No occasion justifies hatred;
No injustice warrants bitterness. I choose love.
Today I will love God and what God loves.
I CHOOSE JOY…
I will invite my God to be the God of circumstance.
I will refuse the temptation to be cynical, the tool of the lazy thinker. I will refuse to see people as anything less than human beings, created by God. I will refuse to see any problem as anything less than an opportunity to see God.
I CHOOSE PEACE…
I will live forgiven. I will forgive so that I may live.
I CHOOSE PATIENCE…
I will overlook the inconveniences of the world. Instead of cursing the one who takes my place, I’ll invite him to do so. Rather than complain that the wait is too long, I will thank God for a moment to pray. Instead of clenching my fist at new assignments, I will face them with joy and courage.
I CHOOSE KINDNESS…
I will be kind to the poor, for they are alone.
I will be kind to the rich, for they are afraid.
And kind to the unkind, for such is how God has treated me.
I CHOOSE GOODNESS…
I will go without a dollar before I take a dishonest one.
I will be overlooked before I will boast. I will confess before I will accuse.
I choose goodness.
I CHOOSE FAITFULNESS…
Today I will keep my promises. My debtors will not regret their trust. My associates will not question my word. My wife will not question my love. And my children will never fear that their father will not come home.
I CHOOSE GENTLENESS…
Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle.
If I raise my voice, may it be only in praise.
If I clench my fist, may it be only in prayer.
If I make a demand, may it be only of myself.
I CHOOSE SELF-CONTROL…
I am a spiritual being.
After this body is dead, my spirit will soar. I refuse to let what will rot rule the eternal. I will be drunk only by joy. I will be impassioned only by my faith.
I will be influenced only by God. I will be taught only by Christ. I choose self-control.

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. To these I commit my day. If I succeed, I will give thanks. If I fail, I will seek his grace. And then, when this day is done, I will lay my head on my pillow and rest.

So Grandpa, if you see a tear roll down my cheek, it’s because… I just miss you.