Because my Grandpa was mine. I miss him more than I ever thought possible. He passed away on New Year's Eve as peacefully as it could have happened. We had the Rosary and Funeral Mass a couple of weeks ago and his interment was on Friday. I suppose the finality of it all really started to hit me. I spoke at the Rosary, and although some of my family members have requested a copy of what I wrote and read, I haven't been able to type it up until today. There was something about what I wrote that is so very personal and close to my heart that I didn't want anyone else to read it... then I thought, "how stupid am I? I read it to at least a hundred people." So in hopes of helping to honor my Grandfather with a tribute of sorts, I'm posting what I read here. I knew nothing about grief until the past couple of weeks, and grieve I must do - but I also must heal. So please know that these words encompass only a portion of how lucky I feel to have known my Grandpa and how honored I feel to be part of his bloodline. I apologize if it's long - I'm not sure how else to post it.
Grandpa Bob…
He was and will always be my favorite Grandpa. He may have had somewhat of an advantage because he was my ONLY Grandpa, but nonetheless, he was still my favorite. I have been blessed to have many wonderful memories of my Grandpa.
Spending time with my grandparents was always one of my favorite things to do. When I was young, I loved visiting their house because it was always filled with family. There was always such a warm and safe feeling there. I loved spending the night. When my cousins were there too, we’d sleep in the room next to theirs (and usually stay up late watching movies…) – but when it was just me, they’d let me sleep on the floor next to their bed. I’m sure that wasn’t Grandpa’s favorite idea, but he always kissed grandma good night and said, “Good night Honey, I love you” and I would respond in my own young, smart aleck way, “Love you TOO, Grandpa!” And he’d say, “Oh yeah, you too.”
When I was in college, I’d often come into town and stop at their house first. (1. To check what was in the fridge & pantry – I had to see what I was missing while I was away. And 2. To make sure I helped Grandpa win a hand of solitaire – because I know how much he LOVED help!) I’d sit at the kitchen table, they’d ask me questions about college…I’d eat. And then, without fail, Grandpa would ask me… “You goin to church up there? Do you go to all of your classes? You & Robert stayin out of trouble?” Then, just as I’d be leaving, he’d throw in, “you got a boyfriend?” In fact, I know that right know, he’s up there thinking, “well? Do ya?” No Gramps, I don’t – but I assure you, you’ll be the first to know.
That’s the thing about Grandpa. He wanted us all to be happy. He wanted each of us to feel loved. Especially Grandma… He was an amazing example of what a husband should be. I told him once that he makes it hard for a girl to date because we have such a great example of what a man should be as a husband, father, grandfather, friend, and all around MAN. It’s a lot to live up to.
There are many things in this life that remind us of Grandpa: bowls of cereal (man ate a LOT of cereal!), glass jars of Planters Peanuts, cashews, hankies, decks of cards, Manhattans, ‘icky tea’ (because he hated it SO much), glasses of water – NO ICE, napkins strewn about with stir spoons and empty packets of equal on them, episodes of MASH, JAG, Walker Texas Ranger, Matlock, Murder She Wrote, or any show on TV Land at an absurdly loud volume and his ability to be sleeping through the show but the minute you change the channel, he’d wake up and say, “hey! I was watching that!” Cubbies games, Dbacks games, Suns games, Cardinals games, St. Patrick’s day – the list goes on.
I’ve learned a lot over the years from my Grandpa – how to drive (my Dad passed this responsibility to him after I bottomed out his Blazer in the school parking lot and got the tires stuck between two parking blocks the day he took Megan & I out for a lesson.. Woops.), how to be strong, how to love unconditionally, how to love romantically, how to forgive, how to listen, how to be patient, and most important – he taught me to look out for boys that were uptown shopping for downtown merchandise. And I’m embarrassed to admit that it took me several years to figure out he wasn’t referring to Uptown Plaza and the Arizona Center…
He also taught me that it’s ok to be sad for awhile. One Sunday afternoon a few years ago when my Grandma first became very sick and was in Freedom Plaza, I had taken my Grandpa to see her. It was a particularly difficult day. She was very upset, agitated, and didn’t remember either of our names. She recognized our faces but didn’t really want to visit. So Grandpa declared that it was time to go and we rode home in silence. We got back to the house, he went to his chair and picked up a book while I made dinner. As we sat down to eat dinner that night, he was fixing up his coffee just the way he likes and suddenly stopped. I looked over at him, saw his face, and a tear rolled down his cheek. That was the first and only time I saw my Grandpa cry. I asked if he was ok and he responded, “I just miss her.”
Later on, I picked up the little book he had been reading and found this poem. I don’t know that this is what he was reading that day, but I know that he lived by this poem – long before it was ever written. He wasn’t perfect, but he sure tried hard.
The poem is called “Each Day” by Max Lucado:
It’s quiet. It’s early. My coffee is hot. The sky is still black. The world is still asleep. The day is coming. In a few moments, the day will arrive. It will roar down the track with the rising of the sun. The stillness of the dawn will be exchanged for the noise of the day. The calm of solitude will be replaced by the pounding pace of the human race. The refuge of the early morning will be invaded by decisions to be made and deadlines to be met. For the next twelve hours I will be exposed to the day’s demands. It is now that I must make a choice. Because of Calvary, I’m free to choose. And so I choose.
I CHOOSE LOVE…
No occasion justifies hatred;
No injustice warrants bitterness. I choose love.
Today I will love God and what God loves.
I CHOOSE JOY…
I will invite my God to be the God of circumstance.
I will refuse the temptation to be cynical, the tool of the lazy thinker. I will refuse to see people as anything less than human beings, created by God. I will refuse to see any problem as anything less than an opportunity to see God.
I CHOOSE PEACE…
I will live forgiven. I will forgive so that I may live.
I CHOOSE PATIENCE…
I will overlook the inconveniences of the world. Instead of cursing the one who takes my place, I’ll invite him to do so. Rather than complain that the wait is too long, I will thank God for a moment to pray. Instead of clenching my fist at new assignments, I will face them with joy and courage.
I CHOOSE KINDNESS…
I will be kind to the poor, for they are alone.
I will be kind to the rich, for they are afraid.
And kind to the unkind, for such is how God has treated me.
I CHOOSE GOODNESS…
I will go without a dollar before I take a dishonest one.
I will be overlooked before I will boast. I will confess before I will accuse.
I choose goodness.
I CHOOSE FAITFULNESS…
Today I will keep my promises. My debtors will not regret their trust. My associates will not question my word. My wife will not question my love. And my children will never fear that their father will not come home.
I CHOOSE GENTLENESS…
Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle.
If I raise my voice, may it be only in praise.
If I clench my fist, may it be only in prayer.
If I make a demand, may it be only of myself.
I CHOOSE SELF-CONTROL…
I am a spiritual being.
After this body is dead, my spirit will soar. I refuse to let what will rot rule the eternal. I will be drunk only by joy. I will be impassioned only by my faith.
I will be influenced only by God. I will be taught only by Christ. I choose self-control.
Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. To these I commit my day. If I succeed, I will give thanks. If I fail, I will seek his grace. And then, when this day is done, I will lay my head on my pillow and rest.
So Grandpa, if you see a tear roll down my cheek, it’s because… I just miss you.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Saturday, November 8, 2008
The Long Awaited Day
This week marked a monumental moment in American history. Emotions have run high for everyone. I have never seen any election create more passion in people than this one. No matter which side you stood on last week, I hope that we will all stand together from this day forward.
I, for one, feel as though I have waited for this day for my entire life and I have never been prouder to be an American.
There's so much to say about it, but no words as eloquent as this:
"Americans sent a message to the world that we have never been a collection of individuals or just a collection of red states or blue states. We are, and always will be, the UNITED States of America.
The true strength of our nation comes not from the might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduring power of our ideals; democracy, liberty, opportunity and unyielding hope! That's the true genius of America. That America can change." - Barack Obama, 11/4/08
P.S. Does anyone have any interest in knowing that I live a mile away from where John McCain made his concession speech? Part of me wondered if living less than a mile from his Phoenix residence would boost the value of my condo if he became President. Yeah, I know... that was wishful thinking...on a MULTITUDE of levels.
I, for one, feel as though I have waited for this day for my entire life and I have never been prouder to be an American.
There's so much to say about it, but no words as eloquent as this:
"Americans sent a message to the world that we have never been a collection of individuals or just a collection of red states or blue states. We are, and always will be, the UNITED States of America.
The true strength of our nation comes not from the might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduring power of our ideals; democracy, liberty, opportunity and unyielding hope! That's the true genius of America. That America can change." - Barack Obama, 11/4/08
P.S. Does anyone have any interest in knowing that I live a mile away from where John McCain made his concession speech? Part of me wondered if living less than a mile from his Phoenix residence would boost the value of my condo if he became President. Yeah, I know... that was wishful thinking...on a MULTITUDE of levels.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
My Favorite Zip Code
...is BACK!!!!! That's right, folks. I've waited 8 years to be able to say it, and the time has come! 90210 is back on the airwaves! (How do I know it's been 8 years, you ask? Oh, that would be because the night of the BH 90210 season finale fell on my 18th birthday, and incidentally, my last day of high school... Most kids would go out with their friends and party, right? Not me! All I wanted was 2 hours of peace so I could watch David & Donna's wedding, and then another hour or two to mourn the end of my all-time favorite show and wish that one day, it would come back to life.) I couldn't be happier. I am the ULTIMATE 90210 geek. I could totally smack down the competition in a 90210 trivia game. In fact, I think all through college it was like an on-going "thing" among my friends Missy, Mikey and myself to compete for who knows the show best. I guarantee that each of us has seen every episode at least a half a dozen times. Perhaps this isn't something to brag about, but I'm proud of this geeky obsession. I loved every PART of this show. Jennie Garth is my idol.
I'm happy to report that I watched the new series premiere this week and L-O-V-E-D it! However, I realize that age must really be settling in, because I found myself more curious about the adult story line than the kids. Whatever, I'm just glad that I have OTH and 90210 to help me escape from my own reality for an hour each week. There's something comforting about knowing that I can get lost in these shows each week. Geez, how pathetic am I?
I'm happy to report that I watched the new series premiere this week and L-O-V-E-D it! However, I realize that age must really be settling in, because I found myself more curious about the adult story line than the kids. Whatever, I'm just glad that I have OTH and 90210 to help me escape from my own reality for an hour each week. There's something comforting about knowing that I can get lost in these shows each week. Geez, how pathetic am I?
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
I Heart Pilates
One of the more embarrassing (and terribly blonde) moments of my life occurred one evening a few years ago while leading a class of teenagers that were preparing to be confirmed at Church. It was Easter season, and that night's particular lesson happened to involve The Passion. Picture: a room full of forty 16-18 year olds in a dimly lit room, intently listening to me reading the passion accounts from The Bible. I get to a line that mentions Pontius Pilate - a name I'm familiar with, in fact, one that I say on a daily basis in prayer. (Especially since I went to Catholic school for several years of my life...) I read aloud, "Pontius pih-lot-ee, pih-LOT-ee, pih-lot-EE." I knew in my head the first time I said it that it didn't sound right, so I said it again, thinking that if I emphasized a different syllable, it would be right. Wrong. So I said it a third time. Still wrong. Never did it occur to me that I was saying the wrong word COMPLETELY. Before I even realized what I had done, laughter broke out in this silent room, breaking the somewhat somber mood of the lesson. I had just made a total you-know-what of myself in front of the world's most judgemental age group. How EMBARRASSING! As red as I turned that night, it gave me a new nickname and all of my friends a good laugh for years to come. I still laugh at the thought of that moment, and am still called Pilates from time to time.
At that point in time, Windsor Pilates had just made a big boom onto the infomercial circuit. I'm fairly certain it must have been my subconscious coming through to tell me that I had been watching FAR too much television. A couple of years later (and about 2 years ago now) I was watching TV early on a Saturday morning and I had succomb to the genius marketing technique. I was SOLD on this exercise program and in just two weeks and $29.99 later, I was the proud new owner of the Windsor Pilates DVD set and a FREE Windsor Pilates Circle with a Circle workout DVD! I got that DVD in the mail and I started doing it - wow, gave me more of a workout than I ever thought possible! And would you know? I actually had more energy and strength! If only I had the will power to continue doing it. It's easy when there's no real accountability factor to let it go by the wayside. But I knew I liked it and I knew it worked. People started to see results. I started to FEEL results.
That's why when I finally got to the point again with my body where I knew I HAD to do something, I decided to start pilates classes. A couple of the girls at work take them and it's five minutes from our office. That makes it pretty convenient to go after work. Well I'm about 6 classes deep and I am completely HOOKED! It's slightly different from the mat pilates that I was doing at home, because we use machines, combined with some mat work, ball work, and Patti also throws in the circle from time to time! (Patti is also known as Patti Pilates in the circles I run in - oh, did I mention she is married to one of our underwriters and also happens to be Carlie & Josh's next door neighbor? Small World.) I love every minute of it! I never want the classes to end. It has given me more energy, strength, and most of all - has had a bigger impact on my emotional well-being than I EVER thought possible. Oh, and, I just have to say - I lost SEVEN pounds last week! I am so excited by how I feel that it has helped me make better food choices, and... drumroll please... inspired me to quit drinking soda! This is huge for me.
I do hope that the excitement continues and that I continue to reap the benefits from doing this. IT AIN'T CHEAP so I'm certainly having to make some adjustments and sacrifices - but the way I see it, it's keeping me out of trouble and it's really transforming my life. The attitude adjustment alone makes it all worthwile.
When I started telling people about it and what we do in class, I realized that it's hard to envision what you do when you are in a Pilates class unless you've actually seen it before, and I thought, "must search YouTube." Here's a video I found that shows a lot of what I get to do. I have no affilation whatsoever with the studio in this video, nor have I ever been there. Enjoy!
At that point in time, Windsor Pilates had just made a big boom onto the infomercial circuit. I'm fairly certain it must have been my subconscious coming through to tell me that I had been watching FAR too much television. A couple of years later (and about 2 years ago now) I was watching TV early on a Saturday morning and I had succomb to the genius marketing technique. I was SOLD on this exercise program and in just two weeks and $29.99 later, I was the proud new owner of the Windsor Pilates DVD set and a FREE Windsor Pilates Circle with a Circle workout DVD! I got that DVD in the mail and I started doing it - wow, gave me more of a workout than I ever thought possible! And would you know? I actually had more energy and strength! If only I had the will power to continue doing it. It's easy when there's no real accountability factor to let it go by the wayside. But I knew I liked it and I knew it worked. People started to see results. I started to FEEL results.
That's why when I finally got to the point again with my body where I knew I HAD to do something, I decided to start pilates classes. A couple of the girls at work take them and it's five minutes from our office. That makes it pretty convenient to go after work. Well I'm about 6 classes deep and I am completely HOOKED! It's slightly different from the mat pilates that I was doing at home, because we use machines, combined with some mat work, ball work, and Patti also throws in the circle from time to time! (Patti is also known as Patti Pilates in the circles I run in - oh, did I mention she is married to one of our underwriters and also happens to be Carlie & Josh's next door neighbor? Small World.) I love every minute of it! I never want the classes to end. It has given me more energy, strength, and most of all - has had a bigger impact on my emotional well-being than I EVER thought possible. Oh, and, I just have to say - I lost SEVEN pounds last week! I am so excited by how I feel that it has helped me make better food choices, and... drumroll please... inspired me to quit drinking soda! This is huge for me.
I do hope that the excitement continues and that I continue to reap the benefits from doing this. IT AIN'T CHEAP so I'm certainly having to make some adjustments and sacrifices - but the way I see it, it's keeping me out of trouble and it's really transforming my life. The attitude adjustment alone makes it all worthwile.
When I started telling people about it and what we do in class, I realized that it's hard to envision what you do when you are in a Pilates class unless you've actually seen it before, and I thought, "must search YouTube." Here's a video I found that shows a lot of what I get to do. I have no affilation whatsoever with the studio in this video, nor have I ever been there. Enjoy!
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
A Fistful of Misguided Anger
Straight up... I have been angry at EVERYTHING for the past 48 hours and I DON'T KNOW WHY!!! It's killin' me, because I realize that my current state of anger makes absolutely no sense. The events (if you can call them that) that set me off are quite minuscule in nature and should warrant nothing more than an exasperated sigh. But the past few days, I have flipped the bitch switch into high gear. I apologize to anyone whom I have come in contact with and promise to make a concerted effort to gain composure and control.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Big Scare
ACCIDENT VIDEO
Please note the Honda Civic. This is the vehicle of one of my oldest friends, Megan (Melissa) - we grew up together. Our moms are best friends and we used to live around the corner from eachother. Firefighters used the jaws of life to extricate her from the vehicle. She passed out a couple of times because of the trauma that her body went through, but her vitals remained steady, and she came out with just a bunch of broken bones. She is in another surgery as I type. I found out about the accident yesterday afternoon and couldn't watch the video. I started watching a different clip from another news site without sound, and without realizing yet what I was watching, I saw her being rolled away on a stretcher by the paramedics and I had to stop watching. She was in pretty bad shape. My mom talked to her today and I will go to the hospital tomorrow, but she seems to be in good spirits.
After graduating with her Master's in social work, yesterday she was on her way to her first day at her new job. Her "dream job". My wish is that she heals quickly to start her dream job soon because an excellent social worker she'll be. She's had her ups & downs in life, but she has a heart of gold and is one of the most generous people I know. We have a lot of memories together... here's to many more.
Please note the Honda Civic. This is the vehicle of one of my oldest friends, Megan (Melissa) - we grew up together. Our moms are best friends and we used to live around the corner from eachother. Firefighters used the jaws of life to extricate her from the vehicle. She passed out a couple of times because of the trauma that her body went through, but her vitals remained steady, and she came out with just a bunch of broken bones. She is in another surgery as I type. I found out about the accident yesterday afternoon and couldn't watch the video. I started watching a different clip from another news site without sound, and without realizing yet what I was watching, I saw her being rolled away on a stretcher by the paramedics and I had to stop watching. She was in pretty bad shape. My mom talked to her today and I will go to the hospital tomorrow, but she seems to be in good spirits.
After graduating with her Master's in social work, yesterday she was on her way to her first day at her new job. Her "dream job". My wish is that she heals quickly to start her dream job soon because an excellent social worker she'll be. She's had her ups & downs in life, but she has a heart of gold and is one of the most generous people I know. We have a lot of memories together... here's to many more.
Monday, June 30, 2008
The Home Stretch
A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a scathing blog that vented about everything wrong with the world today. It was so bad that I had all kinds of warnings to preface the blog. "If you will judge me for bitching - STOP HERE!" I had to vent. Writing that blog was a therapeutic necessity. What happened to that blog, you ask? Well, I actually wrote it in Microsoft Word rather than straight into the blog, and would you know? I pressed the big X in the upper right hand corner, and without thinking, said NO to saving it. $^%(&$^!!!!!!!! I suppose it's best that way. Here's a brief synopsis, in case you are still curious: Men are idiots, women are bitches and everyone I seem to come in contact with has the mental capacity of a toddler. I can have a better conversation with my 2 and a 1/2 year old nephew than most folks. So played out, right? Right. Thank goodness for small miracles and brainless deletions.
Although my stance on these issues remain somewhat static, I have a slightly lighter felling about everything. I feel as though I'm finally on the home stretch and ready to be done with the negative "phase" of this year. It's a terrible feeling to be so negative. I'm over it.
My motor is being delivered tomorrow and Ryan will replace the old with the new - YAY - and I might ACTUALLY get to drive my own vehicle again before August!! *FINGERS CROSSED*
Last week my friend Cynthia left for Europe and I couldn't be more excited for her! She asked me when she first had the idea if I thought she was crazy and I told her - HECK NO! If I could swing it, I totally would! Here's some pics from our bon voyage celebration: The first is of me & Cyn and the second is me, Jordan and Cynthia. I love these girls so much!!
One last thought for the evening: I hate when people lie to you and think you don't know that they are lying - and the worst part is when it's over something trivial. I'M SO OVER IT!!
Although my stance on these issues remain somewhat static, I have a slightly lighter felling about everything. I feel as though I'm finally on the home stretch and ready to be done with the negative "phase" of this year. It's a terrible feeling to be so negative. I'm over it.
My motor is being delivered tomorrow and Ryan will replace the old with the new - YAY - and I might ACTUALLY get to drive my own vehicle again before August!! *FINGERS CROSSED*
Last week my friend Cynthia left for Europe and I couldn't be more excited for her! She asked me when she first had the idea if I thought she was crazy and I told her - HECK NO! If I could swing it, I totally would! Here's some pics from our bon voyage celebration: The first is of me & Cyn and the second is me, Jordan and Cynthia. I love these girls so much!!
One last thought for the evening: I hate when people lie to you and think you don't know that they are lying - and the worst part is when it's over something trivial. I'M SO OVER IT!!
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